History

Monday, December 17, 2007 5:05 PM CST

Life is very busy. We are in constant motion with this large family. It is good that is it busy because it takes our minds off of the sadness of the holidays without Tom. He loved the time from Thanksgiving through Christmas - especially the food! Even though we don't want to be sad, we don't have much control over the sad thoughts we have. Sometimes it's the little things - the funny things he would say, his smile, his laughter, his goofy looks - that we miss. Other times it's the important things - Connor's goal in hockey, Tori's shot in basketball, Alexa's musicals and singing the national anthem at the high school events, Kenzi's maturity and responsibility, Kenra's laughter - he's missing out on. I'm happily married and missing him every day. What a contradiction!

I look back on the past three and one-half years, and I can't believe he is gone. I'm glad I'm not is the depths of despair that I was in at the beginning, but I know I will have a certain sadness for the rest of my life. And yet, God is good. I also never thought I would love again. I never thought I could be happy again. Even though I miss Tom every day, I can also be happy and have a good life. Thank you, God, for the ability to love again. It's a little like having a second child. You think how can I possibly love another child the way I love this one - and you do. Every love is different. We can love lots of people in our lives.

I want to thank all the people that have signed the guestbook from the quitsmokeless.org website. Every time I think it is time to close this caring bridge website, someone else writes and says how Tom's story has helped them. I know I don't write as often as I would like to, but I'm glad that this site is here to encourage others to continue to fight the addiction to chewing tobacco. It would make Tom happy to know he was helping others.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement that have been written over the past few years. I love reading them.

Happy Holidays!

Love, Jenny

Friday, March 16, 2007 2:38 PM CDT

It's been a long time since I have written. I have been very busy. Don and I got married on January 19 and moved into our new house. Everything is going smoothly. It is a strange feeling to be married again. When I use the word "husband" the first image that pops into my head is Tom. It will take some getting used to, but I am happy to call Don my husband. I am very happy with Don. He is a good man. I love him. The kids like him. However, I still have sadness everyday when I think about Tom. I miss him and the life we had together. There is a part of me that still feels guilty for moving on with my life and finding a new love. My head knows that this is what Tom would want for me. I have to go on with my life and do what makes me happy, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure it will just take a time.

When I think about our kids, I feel pain. It hurts when Connor scores a goal, and Tom is not physically there to share in that moment. I know how much all the kids want him there to share in the special moments of their lives. Connor and Tori have started to say that they can't remember things about Tom and that just kills me. Tom was such a great guy/husband/father that I want them to remember everything about him. I tried telling them some of the things he used to do with him, but nothing sounded familiar to them. I have plans to turn all of our old camcorder tapes into DVDs so they can watch them more easily. We take out our old tapes once in awhile, but it is hard to find spots that have Tom in them. I always camcorded the kids; rarely Tom and me. I am hoping that seeing Tom on tape will jog their memory, or at least plant some memories.

Adjusting to a blended family has been easier than I expected. We are having some of the same issues that I dealt with at my old house- siblings getting along and no one wants to pick up after themselves! I think these are universal problems! :-)I know it is still early yet, so I am not ready to let my guard down as far as problems arising with the blending of two families. However, I am very thankful that things are going well so far.

God continues to bless us with joy in the midst of our sadness. He gives us what we need when we need it. Thank you,God for the people You have placed around us to help us get through this painful time in our lives. Help us to remember that because You are in control, everything will be fine.

Jenny

Thursday, September 21, 2006 3:22 PM CDT

The summer was very busy with baseball, baseball, and more baseball. Connor played a lot of games and tournaments. It was fun to watch him play, and I enjoyed going to all his games; however, it was nice to be done with all the traveling. Tori really enjoyed softball. It was fun to watch her have some good plays/at bats. Alexa was busy babysitting Kenra when Mackenzie was at work or wanted some time off to be with friends. She also went to Nashville with our church group for a youth retreat. She had a great time and continues to be very involved with church. Mackenzie had a summer of work, friends, and Kenra (who is still a beautiful, wonderful baby)

Fall is just as busy: Mackenzie's work/college, Alexa's volleyball, Connor's football, Tori's swimming, my work. It is a hectic time. It is also a sad time because this was Tom's favorite time of year: cooler weather, football games, hunting, Thanksgiving (eating!!), and Christmas.

In the last three weeks we have again had many changes. Don and I got engaged. We all started school. Don and I bought a house contingent on the sale of both of our houses. Talk about stress! I have been crying a lot lately due to all these factors. Our engagement is bittersweet. I still miss/love Tom so much. I also love Don. It is difficult to fit those two feelings into one body. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I never thought my life would be like this. I thought Tom and I would be married until we were old, and then we would die of old age. That's what I want, but that's not what I've got. I have a hole in my heart, but at the same time my heart is filled with love for two men. Don is a wonderful man, and I am so happy that God brought us together. It feels right to be with him. Can you see where all my confusion comes from? I am an emotional mess right now. I feel that God brought us together and that this is going to be good. I have to remember to stay in the present and let God take care of everything.

The kids have mixed feelings as well. They all like Don. Tori can't wait to have a step-dad and move to a new house. Connor doesn't want a step-dad - ever! He doesn't ever want to leave our house! (No, I would not let him live there while he was in his 30+'s!) Connor is trying to figure out his relationship with Tom and what that means to bring Don into the picture. I have told him we will always love/miss Dad. It is always ok to laugh/cry/talk about him. We are not trying to forget him or get rid of him. Tough lessons for an eleven year old to learn. Mackenzie and Alexa are in the middle.

We have a rough road ahead. Don has a son, McKinley, who will be living with us. He is the same age as Connor. We know blending a family will be difficult, but we believe we can make it work.

Next week will be another emotional time. Tom's brother is getting married. If Tom were here, he would've been the bestman. He and his brother were very close. I know it will be hard on all of us to be together without him. Tori is the flowergirl, and she is very excited. Don is going with me. He has meet all of Tom's family except this brother. I hope it isn't too uncomfortable for him to be there with all of us being emotional about Tom.

I still think about Tom constantly, and I cry a lot. However, I know that it is better than it was 2+ years ago. I know it will continue to get better. Then slide backwards. Then get better. It is like the waves of the ocean - calm, rough waters, rising to a swell, and then crashing down. God, help me ride the waves.

Please pray for God's wisdom in our decision making; in regards to houses, children, finances - all the things married couples have to deal with. We will not be setting a wedding date until we have a closing date on all the houses. We are in no hurry. He will make it work when it is supposed to happen. God's timing on this will be perfect, as usual.

Thanks for being here.

Love, Jenny

Tuesday, May 2, 2006 3:11 PM CDT

Changes! Wow, have there been changes at our house! First of all, I am a grandmother. Mackenzie had a beautiful, dark haired, blue eyed baby girl on April 20. Kenra Louise Kern weighed in at a whopping 9 lbs. 14 oz. and was 21 3/4 in. Because Mackenzie is only a senior in high school, this was not good news. I was angry for a long time, but God gave me the realization that he can take a mistake and turn it into a miracle. Mackenzie had broken up with the father before she found out she was pregnant, but they have agreed to be friends. He is actively involved right now and loves his little girl.

Even though Kenra is a wonderful baby (sleeping through the night at 5 days old), Mackenzie had a difficult delivery and continues to have problems. She tore her episiotomy stitches twice and had to go through surgery to have it repaired. She is on bedrest for the next two weeks. I pray for strength and healing for her and a positive attitude. I pray for patience for the rest of us because she is crabby due to all the pain she is in.

The other change that has taken place is that I am dating. A man who has been a casual acquaintance for about 5 years asked me out in February. Don is a wonderful man, however, I cried every day for the first three weeks we dated. Even though we were having a nice time, I felt guilty. I was trying to figure out if my dating meant I loved Tom less. What I realized is that I hadn't grieved the death of our marriage. Every day I am called "Mrs. Kern". Which reinforces the idea that I am still married. I finally had to say, "I am not married anymore." I was trying so hard to figure everything out that I was causing myself a great deal of anxiety and stress. Finally, God told me I didn't have to figure it out. I just had to let it be. Be present, enjoy it, and whatever happens, happens. I have felt much better since then. On our first date, I told Don I needed to talk about Tom and cry about Tom. He said he was ok with that. I am feeling very happy these days - a feeling I never thought I would feel again. I continue to cry about Tom - all the things he isn't here to share with us. I will always love Tom and miss Tom, but it feels good to be able to smile, laugh, and be happy. In reference to dating, I asked God to open doors so wide I would be able to tell He wanted me to walk through them. I have definitely seen those wide doors. Out of the ashes, God brings new life.

The journey doesn't end here, but I can see a new chapter unfolding. There will always be tears, sadness, missing, longing; but there will also be joy, laughter, smiles, and happiness. Life goes on.

Thank you for being here for me.

Love Jenny

Thursday, February 9, 2006 12:29 AM CST

I'm sorry it has taken so long to update this webpage again. I can't believe it has been two months since I wrote last.

As expected, the holidays were hard. We tried to do something fun for the whole family; we went to Breezy Point Resort for some snowmobiling, skating, sledding, and swimming. We went with another family and had a good time. The snowmobile hasn't been used since. However, it is really snowing right now, so maybe that will change.

We keep plugging away one day at a time - keeping busy with daily activities. The kids continue to enjoy their activities. Thank you to all the family members who have made it to Connor's hockey games - especially Tom's brother Mike. He has really stepped in and taken an active role is coming to the kids' activities. I have been trying to paint my kitchen for a couple of months, but I can't quite get the right color. Color number six is on my walls to stay. It is not perfect, but it will do. Tom was always better at knowing exactly what he wanted. Since his death, it is so hard for me to make decisions. My brain doesn't work the way it used to.

I still am not back to feeling as good as I did before Thanksgiving, but I feel a little better than I did at Christmas. Besides my sadness about Tom, I think part of my down feeling is because I really don't like winter. I have enjoyed the mild days we've had because I don't like being cold. I'm looking forward to spring so we can't get outside and get some warmer fresh air. Being able to be outside in nice weather helps me feel better.

Mackenzie helped me update the pictures on this website. (of course she knew more about it than I did). So take a look. It was hard to go through family pictures and not have Tom in them. Everytime we do something as a family, I have moments of sadness because in my mind I can see what he would do if he were there. My heart aches for him to be there.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. You all have helped me more than you will ever know.

Love, Jenny

Saturday, December 10, 2005 8:42 PM CST

The holiday activities are keeping us busy, which is a good thing because it gives us less time to be sad. Thanksgiving at the Kern's was difficult because he should be there. Everytime we all get together as a family it hurts more because his absence leaves such a big hole. Tom loved the holiday season. Every decision I make, I think about what Tom would do. Tomorrow we are going to put a small decorated pine tree at his grave. Last year, the kids each picked out a picture of themselves with Tom. I laminated them, and we wired them to the tree at his grave. Some friends have placed special memorabilia at his grave, so we will attach those items to the tree as well. This year we are going to add battery-operated lights. All of these activities make us feel better because it is a way of honoring Tom.

I feel as if we are beginning to heal. I can go many days without crying, and there are actually days where I can say I feel good. I have even had times where I was able to laugh a real, feel-good-all-over laugh. We still continue to live one day at a time, which is a good way to live. I wish I could slow down a little and smell the roses. That's my next goal.

Mackenzie has decided to attend Mankato State with a major in either nursing or elementary education. Alexa is in the middle school musical "Aladdin" and will start Junior Olympic Volleyball in January. Connor is enjoying hockey, and Tori started basketball for the first time (so far so good). School is going well for me, but there are days when I have so many things to get done that I wish I could take the day off.

Thanks for being here for me. It is always therapeutic for me to write on this website. I praise God for all the people he has surrounded us with throughout Tom's illness and death. We really need all our friends and family.

Love, Jenny

Thursday, October 27, 2005 3:32 PM CDT

Thanks to all of you for your support. Our family and friends continue to be there for us when we need them.

It took a few days, but I slowly began to feel better. I have actually had a few days where I can honestly say I felt good. It's a nice change to be happy. Part of the reason I feel better is because of a group that I have been meeting with that is helping me focus on being connected to God and living in the moment. I am trying to enjoy the present - instead of looking back or forward.

Having a weekend to myself while the kids were in Mankato was helpful. Tom's reunion was nice; although there weren't many of his classmates at the game. This weekend my mom is coming to stay with the kids while I go on a women's retreat in Wisconsin. I am looking forward to being able to go for walks, read, and maybe do a little shopping.

The kids seem to be doing better. They definitely live in the moment. I am trying to be more like that. Kenzi has decided to quit swimming. She started the season with a terrible cough. I took her to the doctor twice, but nothing seemed to help. It lasted six weeks. There were also some personality issues that made it difficult for her to enjoy swimming. She deliberated for a long time before she actually quit, but she is very happy she did. It has been an added blessing to me because I don't have to pack everyone up to go to Away swim meets. Alexa is busy with the middle school musical. Connor finished football and has started hockey. Tori is enjoying playing with friends.

Time to run. Thanks for being there for us. We appreciate all the support you have given to us.

Jenny

Thursday, September 22, 2005 2:01 PM CDT

I needed to stay home from school today. I have been crying since yesterday, and I can't seem to pull it together. I miss him so much. I don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard. There are so many people that are here for me, but there isn't anything anyone can do to change my life. I don't want this life. I want my old life back. I know I will get through this just like I have all the other down times, but when I am in the middle of this sadness, it seems like it will never end. I just want to be happy. I want to be the person I used to be - upbeat, outgoing. Will I ever be that person again?

I feel so bad for the kids because it hurts them to watch me cry. Connor was supposed to go watch his cousin play college football last week, but he was too sad. He said he wanted to go to the game with Dad. Tori wants him to come down from heaven so she can give him a hug, and then he can go right back to heaven. Whenever Alexa talks about him, her jaw tightens and her lips quiver. Mackenzie has been angry lately. It's not fair that your dad isn't here for your senior year of high school.

Taking today off is a start to getting myself back on track because I don't have to go to work and fight back the tears all day. I can just let them flow. Tom's parents are taking the kids this weekend so I can have some quiet time. I need to just step back, take a deep breath, and relax. I have to keep telling myself that I will get through this. I need God to put a little sunshine in my heart to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Please continue to pray for us. Pray that I can take things one step at a time, keeping my focus on right now, and not let things build until I can't take it anymore.

Thanks for listening (reading!),
Jenny

PS-I plan on going to Gustavus Homecoming on Oct. 8. It is
Tom's 20th class reunion. I would enjoy seeing any of you that can make it.

Friday, July 29, 2005 2:11 PM CDT

I finally got the computer back, but it still isn't working well. I have decided to get a new computer (this is a '98) and let the kids play with this one.

We have had many struggles since my last entry. May and June were really tough because of all the anniversaries. May was filled with memories of him going downhill so fast and all the doctor's appointments and tests. June was filled with Tom's birthday, my birthday, and the one year anniversary of his death. We were also saddened by the death of Kelby Macemon, an 11 year old girl we knew in our community. July 27 would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. However, I look back on where we were one year ago, and I know we are better.

Tori came to me crying the other day because she wanted to hug Tom. I feel that way a lot. I still have images of him laying in his hospital bed, so weak he could hardly open his eyes or speak. It hurts me to think about it, but I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for him. He was so incredible though his whole ordeal. His brother Mike said it best at his funeral, "Tom never complained, always said thank you, and always kept his sense of humor." I miss him so much.

All of the fun things we do have a little dark cloud over them because we wish Tom were there to enjoy them: visiting Tom's brother in California, Tori's softball games, Connor's team taking second place in their baseball tournament, going to Lake Shetek with Tom's family (he loved jetskiing), Alexa's plays, seeing Mackenzie working her first job.

August is quickly approaching and that means school starting. I have always loved the beginning of the school year, but dread the ending of warm days of summer. However, like last year, I am nervous as to what this school year holds: Mackenzie's senior year/applying to college/her last year of high school swimming, Alexa's dance/volleyball/ plays, Connor's football/hockey, Tori's swimming, everyone's homework, sticking to a stricter schedule, how can I make it through all this without Tom, I wish he could be here to see ... And the list goes on. Ohhh, but how I wish he were here!

Thanks again for being there for me. Your entries to the guestbook mean a lot to me. I have also checked in on the quitsmokeless.org website because of the entries in the guestbook. It means a lot to me to know that Tom's story is helping some of them in their battle with tobacco addiction. Keep strong! The benefits of not chewing far out way the pleasure of the tobacco.

We made it through one year, and we will make it through another - one day at a time, with help from family and friends, and with God's help.

Love, Jenny

Monday, May 9, 2005 1:13 PM CDT

I'm at school again. I have not had time to get our home computer fixed so I am doing everything on my school computer. I went to take the computer in today, but the business was closed. I'll have to try again tomorrow.

Mackenzie's two proms went well, but it is nice to have it over. She turned 17 last Friday. Her friend Nikki and I had a surprise party for her. Other than not having her dad there, she said it was one of her best birthdays. She did go out to his grave for a while on her birthday. She goes out there probably once a week. I'm glad she sets aside time to go out there and talk to him.

Alexa's dance recital is this weekend, and she has a dance competition the weekend after that. Then she will be done for the school year. She might do a volleyball camp this summer. She may also do the summer theater production "State Fair".

Connor just finished his spring hockey league with a record of 7-2-1. He scored 5 goals over the last 5 weekends. He really enjoyed it. Tonight he starts baseball and is getting into the swing of swim club. He loves being a busy, busy kid!

Tori is enjoying swim club and is starting to show an interest in other sports. She wants to sign up for a basketball camp and a softball league. She is also very excited that I have agreed to take Connor and her to California in June to visit Tom's brother Bob.

All of these activities plus my job and household responsibilities have really gotten me down. Friends have helped me out with some of the running, but even decision making is overwhelming. I am looking forward to being done with school on May 27, so I can have more time to get household stuff done. I know I will probably be down at least through the anniversary of Tom's death on June 12. I just have to remember to take it one day at a time and give the rest to God. He has gotten me through all the down times before, and I know He will do it again.

Thanks for listening, caring, and praying.

Love, Jenny

Friday, April 22, 2005 2:36 PM CDT

I have a few minutes to write while my students are in music. Our home computer has a virus, so I have had a lot of difficulty doing any computer work at home. At school I have very limited time at the computer.
My trip to Florida was great. It was wonderful to only take care of myself for four whole days. Thank you Mom for inviting me to go. Thank you Jim and Linda for allowing me to stay with you.
We continue to have many ups and downs. A couple of weeks ago I had a first - I didn't cry for an entire day. It didn't last long because I am back to crying every day. As we get closer to the one year anniversary, I am feeling sadder and sadder. May 1 of last year was when he really started going down hill. It was also the same day as Mackenzie's prom last year. Tomorrow she is going to the Buffalo Lake-Hector prom with a friend. Next weekend she is going to the Hutchinson prom with a friend. I think the Hutch prom will be harder because there will be so many similarities to last year, except we won't have Tom.
The kids are getting involved in their spring sports. Mackenzie, Connor and Tori are starting High Tides Swim Club on Monday. Connor is finishing with a spring hockey league and will be starting baseball soon. Alexa is finishing volleyball, and dance goes until the end of the school year. She isn't sure what she wants to be involved in this summer. We are all ready for the end of the school year. I t been an exhausting year.
Mackenzie just called and told me that the washing machine is smoking! What next! There have been so many things that have gone wrong in the past three weeks that are things Tom usually took care of. I don't want to deal with these things. There are so many ways I miss him that I never imagined. There have been many times that I have wanted to quit, but I can't. Trying to deal with the kids grief on top of mine has been hard, but I'm glad I have them to make me keep going.
I need to get my students so I have to go. Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. Yes, Karp, I got your e-mail. You're right - Heaven is our dessert and the best is yet to come!
Love, Jenny

Monday, January 31, 2005 12:38 AM CST

I'm sure some of you are saying, "Finally, a new journal entry." I am too. I'm also saying, "Finally, things are getter a little better."
Christmas was very difficult. However, I wasn't prepared for the weeks following Christmas. I'm not sure why, but they were worse than Christmas. There was a lot of anger in our house. We were all yelling at each other. We had a family meeting the middle of Jan. to try and get back on track. Then I made the kids go to a grief camp called Camp Amanda. It is for kids in grades K-12 who have lost someone significant to them. Tori was the only one who wanted to go. The other three did not go willingly. I dropped the kids off on Sat. and picked them up on Sun. When I asked Alexa how it went, she said "Awesome!" It was good for the kids to meet other kids that are feeling the same things they are feeling. They made some friends and exchanged some e-mail addresses. I'm so glad I made them go.
Tori has become quite a writer. She recently drew a picture and shared this writing with me: This is a hart. It's brooken...Because there is someone missing. The zigzags are the brooken pesas. I wonder what is missing? We have mom, Tori, Connor, Alexa, Mackenzie. But wear is Dad?
She writes in her memory journal quite often. She writes poems and stories. After Camp Amanda, Connor wrote in his memory journal for the first time. He was so proud to show me that he had written two pages. Until that time, he always wanted me to write in his journal for him. I know he wishes Tom were here to watch him play hockey. He is loving it and has scored two goals and had two assists. However, he is disappointed his team hasn't won any games.
Mackenzie and Alexa continue to be typical teenagers. Which is tough enough, without adding the death of your dad on top of it. Many of our friends are trying to do all they can to help each of us through this. We are so thankful for all their help.
Alexa just had the performances for "Bugsy Malone". She had a great time. Tom would've enjoyed seeing her sing and dance. We are all proud of her.
I actually have something to look forward too. Each year my parents visit their friends in Sanibel Island, FL. This year my dad decided not to go, so my mom called me to go! In two weeks I am going on a vacation - without my kids! I'm looking forward to relaxing on the beach and reading a good book.
The waves of our emotional ocean continue to build and crash, and we praise God that He is there to catch us when we crash. We are thankful He provides us with the relief of calm waters. We are finally seeing some calm waters these last few days and hope that we see many more to come.Thank you again for your continued support. It means so much to us.
Love, Jenny

Thursday, December 16, 2004 4:26 PM CST

I am at school right now; waiting for my students music program to begin (that's why I have all this time to write). It didn't make sense to drive a half an hour to spend two hours at home to drive half an hour back. So I just stayed and got school work done and updated this website. It is so nice to be able to write and know that I will not be interrupted 10 times!

I keep thinking that I am going to have to end this website soon. But I find that journaling here is very theraputic for me, and it is a good way to keep people informed about how we are doing. I haven't decided whether or not I will send out Christmas cards. It depends on time and how I feel. Maybe I'll send out after Christmas cards. I also think I am going to update this at least every two weeks, and yet here it has been one month. Where does the time go?

First of all, it went to Mackenzie's swim meet. The Hutchinson Tigersharks are State Champs for the second year in a row! Mackenzie didn't have her greatest meet, but we are still very proud of her. The 200 freestyle was her strongest event, but she didn't make it back for finals. She said she was too nervous. After that race, she calmed down and did much better. She placed tenth in the 500 yard freestyle (an event she didn't even swim last year). Her 200 freestyle relay finished seventh, and her 400 freestyle relay took first! Now she can relax and get a job!

The time has also gone to Alexa's dance and play practices. Fortunately, her dance competition and recital are not until May, so I just have to make sure she gets to practice. "Bugsy Malone" will be performed at the end of January. She also decided to try J.O. Volleyball starting at the end of January. This will be a new experience for us.

Connor's hockey also takes up a lot of time. Practices three nights a week and a game once a week really bite into your time. One of Tom's softball friends has been taking care of getting him to and from practice. Thank you so much, Jeff. That is a big load off my shoulders.

Tori is the only one not involved in any organized activity - thank you, Tori! She does love to get together with her friends and asks me constantly for a friend to come over.

Many people kept telling me to do something for myself. I thought about this a lot. What is it that takes my mind off of everything and lets me just enjoy? How do I manage the kids? I finally came up with an answer. I like to watch high school sports. Mackenzie and Connor do too. Alexa and Tori sometimes stay home. We have gone to football, hockey and basketball games. I know it seems like it is just more running, but if you think about doing something you enjoy, it's not running- it's fun. Just as important, it takes my mind off my sadness. I wish Tom were at the games with me, but I feel him there. This is something we would've done together - you all know how much he liked sports.

The holidays have been hard. I think about Tom constantly. My emotions change so fast, sometimes I feel like I'm spinning. Many of you have left messages on my answering machine or stopped by the house to find that I'm not home. Every day is busy and now I'm trying to squeeze in holiday shopping. I'm sorry I haven't been around, but thank you for trying.

In August I was at a teacher's workshop . I was wondering why I had agreed to attend this workshop because my brain was not ready for this. I met a woman who told me she was 43 and lost her husband to cancer in January. That's why God sent me to this workshop! She invited me to a widow's group which meets once a month in Minneapolis. This group has been a Godsend (literally). All of our friends, family, church, community, and even strangers have been wonderful through this whole ordeal, but these people have been there. There is something so comforting about talking to someone who is walking in your shoes. You don't have to try to find the words to express your feeelings because they already know. Even though this journey SUCKS, I can see God's hands all around me working to help us through this. I want to thank you all for being God's loving hands in our lives.

Merry Christmas and keep in mind what is really important in life - friends, family and faith!

Love, Jenny

Monday, November 15, 2004 6:29 PM CST

We are feeling a little bit UP these days. Last weekend Mackenzie had the Section Swim Meet in Morris. The team took first for the tenth year in a row. Mackenzie placed third in the 200 yard freestyle, second in the 500 yard freestyle, and her two relays were first! She will be going to State in all four races. We were very proud of her. It was especially difficult because Friday was the five month anniversary of Tom's death. Each month on the 12th is tough. Hopefully, one thing she is learning is how to make it through adversity.
The other kids are hanging in there. Nights are the hardest on all of us. It is difficult to get to sleep, and they often want to talk about Tom. Alexa keeps busy with dance and the play. Connor is enjoying hockey. In fact, tonight he is at the Excel Energy Center playing hockey. I don't remember the exact details, but Hutch Hockey Association was able to get some ice time. So anyone who wanted to could go down there and participate in open skate or pond hockey. However, I am just realizing how involved hockey is. Until now it has just been a couple of practices and a scrimmage a week. I just received the new schedule! Lots of games and tournaments. Fortunately, the parents have been great about helping out with rides. Tori is done with gymnastics and is just interested in playing with friends.
Even with all these fun activities going on, I still find it hard to be UP for very long - especially as we near the holidays. It's hard to imagine these next few weeks without him. It was a year ago tomorrow that we got the call that he had cancer. What a difference a year makes. I'm trying to think of a way to make the holidays different or special - I don't know what. I am finding that I'm not crying as much, but I seem to be sad most of the time. It helps to know that we've made some progress since June, and hopefully next year we can look back and see that we've made even more progress.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support. We coudn't make it without you.
Love, Jenny

Monday, November 1, 2004 9:39 PM CST

We keep plugging along with many ups and downs. This was Tom's favorite time of year - cooler weather, watching football games and Mackenzie's swim meets, coaching Connor's football team, getting pumped for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is so hard for me to enjoy these things without him. Tom and I used to watch the Hutch football games together and talk about the plays. He would be so proud to know that Connor's flag football team was undefeated this year (of course they weren't suppose to keep score, but if you know Connor - he always knows the score!). He would also be proud to know that at the True Team State Swim Meet Mackenzie took three firsts and one third! He would like to see Alexa in the Middle School Musical "Bugsy Malone", and watch Tori at gymnastics. I know he is still watching all of us, but it isn't the same as having him sit right next to me and share our thoughts about our kids and how they are growing up so fast. I want to hold his hand and give him a hug. I want to watch him stuff his face at Thanksgiving and listen to him complain about how much his stomach hurts because he ate too much. I would even love to have an argument with him just to hear his voice. I took so much for granted, and yet if he hadn't died I probably still wouldn't appreciate him as much as I do right now. Even after his cancer, and we realized how special life was and appreciated each other more, life still has a way of robbing that from you with the stresses of everyday life.
There are parts of every day that are good and parts of every day that are bad. Night time is particularly hard on all of us. We let our guards down, and we lay awake thinking about him. And we cry.
These next few weeks will be tough as the kids come to the end of the trimester and Mackenzie comes to the Section and State Swim Meets. We pray for good sleep, good grades, and good times (swimming times!).
Thanks for your prayers and continued support. Many of you have sent e-mails to me, and I love getting them. I wish I had more time to respond to each of them. This website is the best way that I can try to keep up with correspondences with all of you. I have saved your e-mails, and I am hoping that when I get some spare time I can respond individually. Until then this will have to be my means of communication. Thanks again.
Love, Jenny

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 3:06 PM CDT

Today is a hard day. It was four months ago today that Tom died. This morning a couple of Mackenzie's friends brought over flowers for her. She takes each anniversary hard. We know that our sadness changes with time. The more time that passes, the less severe the sadness and the more time between meltdowns. Our schedules are busier than ever. This is probably the busiest time of the entire school year for us. Mackenzie is getting close to the important swim meets. Alexa has dance and confirmation. Connor is finishing football and starting hockey (They overlap for a couple of weeks). Tori is in gymnastics. By the end of November, half of these activities are over! My class is starting to get into the routine of school, so my day is going a little bit better. I'm finally able to see a light at the end of the tunnel in regards to all the business aspects of Tom's death. It will be nice not to start out business conversations with, "I'm calling because my husband died." It is so emotionally draining to deal with the business end of death, in addition to the day-to-day sadness. However, I continue to see God's answers to prayer in the little things: a goodnight sleep, a productive day, business dealings taken care of swiftly, a meal at the end of a hectic day. God is taking care of us. Thanks for your continued support and prayers.
Love, Jenny

Monday, October 4, 2004 3:26 PM CDT

Again I apologize for not writing more often. My computer was finally up and running during Sept. I think about writing a lot, but I don't actually make the time. School,work, activities, and housework are keeping us very busy. We have also had some meltdowns. Some of the kids and I have taken a few days off of school/work. Sometimes the pressure is too great. Mackenzie, Alexa, and I went to Chicago for a weekend to get away. We visited my college friend Ann and my Uncle Andrew's family. It was nice to have some down time to just relax and think. I was having trouble deciding what I was going to do about work. It was too overwhelming at the start of the school year. I have had many of you praying for God to give me an answer, and He has. I decided to take it one day at a time and not take a leave of absence. If I fall apart one day, I will just take that day off. Tomorrow is a new day. Mackenzie has had a hard time too, and that is what she is going to do. It seems as though we are all strugggling. I know we have a lot of support, and there really isn't anything anyone can do about our meltdowns. It's just something we have to work through. We are looking into some counseling. Last weekend we went to Gustavus for homecoming. There was a memorial service for all the people who have died this past year that have a connection to Gustavus. It was nice to see some friends there, watch football, and go out to eat at Whiskey River (where Tom and I met). This is something we did almost every year. It was also difficult because Tom wasn't there. Today feels like a good day. I have gotten a lot accomplished (still working on business papers and phone calls). Hopefully, we'll all start having more good days than bad. The prayers help, so keep them coming.
Love, Jenny

Monday, August 30, 2004 4:02 PM CDT

I haven't written for a long time for two reasons. One - I have been very busy. Two - My computer has been unworkable for most of the month of Aug. In fact, I am writing from my school computer right now. Hopefully, I can get my home computer working soon. I don't have much time to write today because I have to get my room and schedule ready for Wed, (the first day of school). I would like to ask for continued prayers because the kids and I are very stressed and down right now due to the beginning of the school year. I know many of you think and pray for us often. Thank you. Please keep it strong! I'll try to write soon.
Love, Jenny

Friday, July 30, 2004 8:04 PM CDT

I'm sorry it has been so long since I have written, but I have been so busy. I thought things would have slowed down by now. I think the whole robbery thing kept the activity level high. There is no news about the robbery. The police are still working on it. People have been wonderful. The Lamplighter (a local restaurant) also held a benefit for us by donating 10% of their sales and 10% of the tips one day. People we don't even know have sent donations. We have been blessed.
I have been down lately. Last Tuesday was our anniversary. The kids and I joined my mom and two of my brothers at Valleyfair for the day. Tom loved going on rides, and I didn't want to be home and sad. We had a good day. The weather was perfect. That night laying in bed was hard. Nights are always hard. Ever since then I've been more emotional. It used to comfort me to know that he wasn't in pain anymore, he was in Heaven, and he was our guardian angel. Even though I know those things, it doesn't help me anymore because I just want him back. Also, even though I have a great support system and lots of friends, there is no relationship that equals that of the one you have with your spouse. Your spouse knows you better than anyone else. You can say things to them that you can't say to anyone else. I miss that. Tom and I were together for almost 22 years. I will never have that kind of history (college memories, wedding, children, jobs, etc.)with anyone else. There are little things all over the place that remind me of him. Some things make me laugh, but mostly they make me cry. Yes, I will laugh again, but I'll never laugh the way he made me laugh. Oh, how Tom could make us laugh. I know I will get through these down times, but they will also come again - fewer and farther between. The kids don't allow me to stay down for too long.
The kids are doing well. We talk about Tom a lot. Sometimes happy thoughts and sometimes sad. They continue to journal at night about their memories of him. Just when they think they don't have a memory, something happens to give them one.
Mackenzie just returned from a 10 day mission trip to Mexico with our church. She's not sure she wants to do another one after no showers for days and temps over 100. I won't ask her until next year. Alexa is performing in "Footloose" this weekend. She doesn't want it to end because she loves the cast. Connor doesn't have much down time between all the Twins games, campouts, lake outings etc. He is done with all his sports. Tori is gearing up for her 8th birthday. She starts telling us what she wants for her next birthday as soon as her current birthday is over.
Those of you going to the Gustavus Football golf outing please have some laughs about Tom. I know he would have laughs about you! I wish I could be a little mouse in the corner and hear all your stories. I'm sure you are all glad that I'm not!
I wish I could say that I will update this more frequently, but I can't promise anything. As I look at the calendar, we still have a pretty full summer. We appreciate all of you keeping us active and involved. Thanks for everything!
Love, Jenny and kids

Thursday, July 8, 2004 11:40 PM CDT

The benefit went well last night. They served around 750 people. It was good to visit with so many people. Unfortunately, something bad happened during the benefit. Someone broke into the church safe and robbed the church. Some of the money in the safe was our benefit money that was put in there because the cash box was full. Some money was offering that hadn't been deposited and some was memorial money for someone else. If any of you gave money before the benefit started your cash/checks are definitely gone. If you wrote checks, you need to contact the church (320-587-2093) or cancel your checks at your local bank. Our pastor said if you tell them you are cancelling your check because of a robbery, they don't charge you to cancel them.
It is sad that something that was so kind is now marred by something bad. We still have some money - all the silent auction money, bake sale money and some of the supper money. I told the kids that I hope the person who stole it needed it more than we did, and whatever money we receive is more than what we had before.
Other than that, I am feeling better. After my weekend of tears, I am feeling a bit stronger. Sometimes it helps to just let it all out. Yesterday was hard because I was so moved by the generosity of others. Today I only cried twice! I know it will be a roller coaster ride, but I am thankful for all the people God is putting around us to help us through this.
Chuck Day let me know there have been many visitors to the new web page (http://kernsws.home.comcast.net). He put some nice pictures of Connor's baseball game on there. My dad put a picture of Connor and some of the fish he caught at my parents' house on this website (caringbridge). Thank you to both of you.
The kids are doing well. They are talking more about their thoughts and feelings. We sit up at night sometimes and talk about Tom. We say things like, "If Dad were here he would say ...." It helps them know it is ok to talk about him.
They are keeping active. This Sat. Connor will swim in his first swim meet here in Hutchinson. He asked to be in it, and he is very excited. (And to think that at the beginning of the season he didn't even want to be in the swim club!) Then on Sun. night he has a baseball game. Mackenzie is spending the weekend with my brother Ben. He is taking her to the Basillica (sp?) Block Party! I've already given him strict instructions, and he better follow them! Alexa and Tori are just hanging around here for the weekend. Alexa keeps busy with play practice every night. "Footloose" is July 29-Aug. 1. Tori keeps busy by playing with friends.
Well, it's late so I'm going to bed. Thanks again for your love and support.
Love, Jenny
(tjkern@hutchtel.net)

Saturday, July 3, 2004 4:56 PM CDT

It hurts so much. All I want is for Tom to hug me. For two weeks my head knew he was gone, but this week my heart and body began to feel it. Each day it hurts more and more. I know this is part of the healing, but I want it to stop. The kids activities help take my mind off of it for a while. I'm glad the kids are talking about Tom's death more. I was worried that they were keeping a lot of emotions bottled up inside. I'm thankful for the memories some of you are sending me. It helps me to laugh at things Tom said and did. I miss his humor.
Today I'm going through the house and organizing the many piles that have accumulated over the past couple of weeks. It's good and hard at the same time.
I'm so thankful that God has surrounded us with so many good family and friends. We will continue to rely on you in the difficult days to come. You each have so many different, wonderful gifts that help us in many ways.
I think I will end the caring bridge web site in about a week. Chuck Day has created a web page for Tom, so I can continue updating for anyone who is interested. He said he has already put some pictures on there. Here is the address: http://kernsws.home.comcast.net
Thanks for your concern and support.
Love, Jenny

Saturday, June 26, 2004 7:30 PM CDT

Life continues to move forward whether we are ready or not. Again, God's timing is perfect. The week Tom was in the hospital and the week of the funeral the kids hardly had any activities. This week our schedule was packed. It was a good thing because it kept me from being sad all the time. Mackenzie is still involved with swimming. Alexa is in "Footloose" this summer. Connor is doing football camp, swim club, and baseball. Tori is in swimming lessons and bible school.
We are continually amazed at the generosity of our family, friends, and community. People are always checking to make sure we are being taken care of. I know many of you were here for the visitation/funeral, but if you are interested in seeing us again, please call and stop by. We would love to see you.
Thank you for sharing your memories of Tom. I know some of you are not ready to do that yet. When you are ready, I would like you to either put them on this website, e-mail me at tjkern@hutchtel.net, or send them to Sue Severin (20213 150th St., Hutchinson, MN 55350). Sue is going to compile the stories and make books for the kids and me.
I'm not much of a computer guru, so I am going to see if someone can help me put a couple pictures on this website. I should have done that earlier, but I just didn't have the time.
Day by day, we are surviving. God gives us strength or shoulders to cry on. Keep in touch.
Love, Jenny

Saturday, June 19, 2004 5:45 PM CDT

I can't begin to tell you how much it meant to us to feel the outpouring of love through your presence at Tom's visitation/funeral or cards sent to us. We couldn't believe how many people care about and support our family. I am only sorry I didn't get to visit with more of you at the visitation and funeral. Last night when I looked at the guest book I couldn't believe how many people I didn't even know where there, let alone get a chance to visit with. We will never get tired of the hugs or of people telling us what a great guy Tom was. I know some of you have shared memories already of Tom on this website, but I will take as many as you can write. The memories are what keep us going.
The kids and I have started writing in journals every time we have a memory of Tom so we will never forget. Today Tori said she didn't have any memories of Tom. Then a few minutes later, she was telling a visitor that her dad used to say, "Ooo, Ooo," whenever he pinched her butt. I told her to write it down right away, so when she is 20 years old she can look back and remember all those things about her dad.
My heart breaks for my kids because of all the things Tom won't physically be a part of. On my picture board there is a picture of Connor playing baseball,and Tom is standing right behind him. I told Connor that Dad will always be right behind him watching everything he does.
The years ahead are going to be very tough for us without Tom. I know you have all said you would be there for us, and I know you will be. I don't want to see this website end because it means so much to us to read the words of support and your memories of Tom. I will keep writing for a while, but I know we will all go back to our daily lives and get busy with other things. I just want you to remember what Tom's brother Mike said at the luncheon after the funeral. What was important to Tom(and should be important to us all) was family, friends, and faith.
Thanks and Love, Jenny and kids

Monday, June 14, 2004 10:16 PM CDT

Below is the information about the Funeral Services for Tom Kern:

Visitation is on Thursday June 17th from 5 to 8:00pm at the Dobratz-Hantge Funeral Chapel at:
899 HWY 15 S.
Hutchinson, MN 55350
(320)587-2128

Visitation is also Friday morning from 8 to 9:00am at the Funeral Home and again from 10 to 11:00am at:
Christ the King Lutheran Church
1040 S Grade Rd
Hutchinson, MN
(320)587-2776

The Funeral Service will follow at the Church starting at 11:00am.

Please direct Memorial gifts to:
First Minnesota Bank, N.A.
Attn : Becky
308 Main St S
Hutchinson, MN 55350
Please make checks payable to "Tom Kern's Caring Account"

Sunday, June 13, 2004 4:50 PM CDT

Sunday, June 13, 2004 8:33 AM CDT

I can't even believe I have to write these words. Tom died at 9:15 pm yesterday. It hurts so much. The kids and I were surrounded by Tom's mom, his brothers, and some friends who came to visit. His breathing had been shallow and intermitten during the day. At the end, he just took a deep breath and was gone.
We are so blessed to have all of you there for us and praying for us. We will continue to need you for a long time. Our kids will need to hear stories about their dad from all of you who knew him. The hospital staff told us they couldn't believe the amount of support we were getting. We told them we have a wonderful support system between our family, friends, church, and community. We are blessed to have you all in our lives.
We have not made funeral arrangements yet, but I will continue this website for a while and post the information on here. Thank you all for everything.
Love, Jenny, Tom, Mackenzie, Alexa, Connor, and Tori

Sunday, June 13, 2004 9:33 AM CDT

Tom Kern passed away last night at about 9:15pm. He was surrounded by family and friends who love him dearly. He died peacefully.

Thank you all for the support and prayers.

Arrangements are pending.

Sunday, June 13, 2004 8:33 AM CDT

I can't even believe I have to write these words. Tom died at 9:15 pm yesterday. It hurts so much. The kids and I were surrounded by Tom's mom, his brothers, and some friends who came to visit. His breathing had been shallow and intermitten during the day. At the end, he just took a deep breath and was gone.
We are so blessed to have all of you there for us and praying for us. We will continue to need you for a long time. Our kids will need to hear stories about their dad from all of you who knew him. The hospital staff told us they couldn't believe the amount of support we were getting. We told them we have a wonderful support system between our family, friends, church, and community. We are blessed to have you all in our lives.
We have not made funeral arrangements yet, but I will continue this website for a while and post the information on here. Thank you all for everything.
Love, Jenny, Tom, Mackenzie, Alexa, Connor, and Tori

Friday, June 11, 2004 9:43 PM CDT

Not much is new. He seems to be tolerating the chemo pretty well. His hemoglobin was down yesterday so they gave him two units of blood. Today his temp. went up and down, but he seems to be doing ok now. Yesterday the kids and I went to the hospital to see him. He was coherent for some of the time, which was good for the kids. It was a very difficult day because we explained what was happening to Tom. The kids were understandably very upset. We talked a lot about all the feelings they had. We told them we can't do anything to help Dad except pray. There were a lot of tears last night, but today was better. I told them there will be a roller coaster of emotions for a long time. Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. We wouldn't be as strong if we didn't have your support. Keep praying for a miracle! We know God can do anything. He has the power.
Love, Jenny (and gang)

Thursday, June 10, 2004 0:05 AM CDT

I wish I could give you all some good news. Unfortunately, I can't. The test results show that Tom is full of cancer. Squamous Cell Carcinoma was found in his heart, lungs, kidney, liver, pancreas, spleen, spine, and hip bones. The doctors are shocked at how quickly this has spread and to the many places it has spread. Because of the morphine, he is not really aware of what is going on and has a difficult time communicating. The doctor's started him on chemo tonight. The chemo is only to give him more time. It will not cure him. We continue to pray for a miracle. I have an image of a knight in shining armour arriving at the last minute to save the day. I pray that this is what God will do. We draw strength from knowing that he is holding all of us in his arms right now; just as a parent holds a child who is hurting. The Footprints poem is so appropriate at this moment. God has richly blessed us with wonderful friends, family, church, and community. Thank you all for being there for us.
Love, Jenny, Tom, Mackenzie, Alexa, Connor, and Tori

Sunday, June 6, 2004 5:38 PM CDT

I can't tell you how uplifting it is to read all the words of support and encouragement. We love you all. Thank you.
I wish I had more to tell you, but the doctors are still running tests. I think we have seen just about every specialist at the U of M. They are not sure if his problems are related to the squamous cell carcinoma in his mouth/neck or not. There is a possiblity that there is an infection. That is why they are running all the tests. About 30 doctors with different specialties are having a "tumor conference" on Wed. and have asked if they can bring Tom's case to their conference. We said yes. I told Tom he is doing all this to get into some record book as the guy with the most baffling case. The staff has been wonderful, helpful, and very informative. After their meeting, they will let us know what their thoughts are on his case.
Our families have been down at the hospital with us throughout the past few days. Thanks, Chuck and Deb for all the meals you've brought to the hospital. Thank you all for the help you've given and have offered to give. We really appreciate it.
Love, Jenny, Tom, Mackenzie, Alexa, Connor and Tori

Friday, June 4, 2004 1:10 PM CDT

Last night Tom had a temp. of 102.7, so his mom and I took him to ER. After running tests, they decided to send him to the University of Minnesota Hospital. His fever is down, and he is on IV antibiotics. They are running more tests to determine what to do with the abcess on his neck and if he has pneumonia. After getting things organized at home for my mom to watch the kids, I am going to Minneapolis to be with Tom, his mom, and his brothers (Mike and John). We will have to wait to decide what we are going to do about his diagnostic appointments at Mayo on Monday and Tuesday.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement, thoughts, and prayers. We need and appreciate them.
Love, Jenny

Friday, June 4, 2004 1:10 PM CDT

Friday, May 28, 2004 4:25 PM CDT

As some of you know,Tom has gone from bad to worse. I will try to give you a quick recap of the last 6 months. Tom was diagnosed with squamous cell carcinoma in Nov. 2003. The cancer was in his mouth. He got the cancer from chewing tobacco. He had surgery on Nov. 28, and they felt they got all the cancer they could find. Unfortunately, it had already gone into a lymph node and along a nerve. They described the cancer as aggressive and invasive. From Jan 5 - Feb 17, he went through radiation therapy. He had a lot of ups and downs until May 1. During this month, he has had an MRI, CT scan, biopsies and seen many different specialists.
On Wed. we found out the cancer is back and is in an advanced stage. Because of the pressure of the tumor, his ear, eyes, and throat are being affected. His right eye is completely closed, dialated, and cannot move in any direction (he can see, but it's blurry). His left eye can move in all directions except left, so he has double vision. He is having a tube put in the right ear next week to alleviate some pain, pressure, and fluid. His mouth only opens about a half inch. He takes liquids through a syringe because it is difficult to swallow. The cancer has eaten away some tissue in his mouth behind his right teeth and the roof of his mouth so that some liquids go up into his nose. He currently weighs 146 lbs. A food tube was put in his stomach yesterday, so hopefully that will help him to gain some weight.
We met with the oncologist in Hutchinson today. Tom will need to have chemotherapy. The oncologist is checking to see if Mayo provides a different kind of treatment than he can get here. If the treatment is the same, he will stay here. If not, he will go to Mayo. We want to get started immediately, but we are still waiting to here.
Thank you all for your wonderful support! I don't know what we would do without our family, friends and community support. Keep praying! Love, Jenny, Tom and kids

Friday, May 28, 2004 11:39 AM CDT

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